Bella's Unwanted Days Out
by WinkingMe
Summary: Twilight! I had an error posting! A collection of crack!fics. Bella   fun! Chapter 1: Bella and the Amazing Smelling Pants. Possible cross-overs later.
1. Bella and the Amazing Smelling Underpant

Bella and the Amazing Smelling Underpants

In the universe C1, Bella was sitting happily at her desk, smiling as she thought about how sparkly Edward was. She briefly contemplated pouring sparkles on him. Then she frowned. How would she know if he was sparkly or the sparkles were?

Bella slowly placed the underpants she had been sniffing onto her desk. Now was not the time for comparing human pants to vampire pants. How was she supposed to get hold of Emmet's pants anyway? Rosalie always had such a close guard on them. Bella ran (lolloped) down the stairs and out the door, hoping to reach Emmet's underpants before Alice 'saw' her. Or at least get Alice's.

Two cold arms wrapped around her, preventing her from further movement. She groaned loudly "Edwaaaard." He chuckled in her ear, cool breath wafting hair in her face. She swatted at him, irritated, before relaxing into him, a frown still etched on her face.

"Yes, Bella dear?" He whispered, trying to seduce her. She squirmed in annoyance.

"Edwaard. You know I need to get them! I can't stand not knowing!"

"What do you need my love?" He said whilst nibbling her neck. Bella felt a strong urge to slap him. She slapped him. He frowned too.

"What was that for? It's not my fault you won't admit your underpant addiction is real." Frustrated with her idiot of a vampire boyfriend, Bella pointed off into the distance. "Oh my god, Edward! There's a giant flying fish over there! Once in a life time opportunity!" Edward (Who was a massive fan of anything that flies, but a little wary of fish) immediately stared in the direction she was pointing. To keep him distracted, Bella licked him. He squealed.

Bella didn't hesitate, and within seconds she had escaped from his hold and was in Alice's Porsche. Alice stepped on the gas pedal, grinning like a loon. They had driven for just over a minute when Alice slammed on the brakes, the car screeching to a halt in the middle of the road. She made some sort of screaming noise and turned to face Bella.

"Wtf Bella? Why? Why would you do that?"

"Do what?" Bella was confused. She hadn't done anything. Yet.

"I just had a vision of you covering Edward in sparkles. In MY room!" Alice practically wailed. Bella was relieved. She'd thought this might be about the underpants.

"But Alice! How else will I know which of them is sparkly-er?" Bella made a pouty face. Alice's look was blank for a second before.

"Isabella Swan!" 'Oh, no', thought Bella.

"…This is about the underpants isn't it?" She said in a small voice. Alice's stare said it all, but apparently Alice needed to exaggerate the point.

"If you ever touch my underpants, you'll find that somehow all of you're underpants have magically disappeared." Bella gulped.

…

At the Cullen's house. "Thanks Alice!" Bella smiled. "Not a problem Bella, I'm going to go and find some way to become poor by overspending, despite my bazillions of dollars. And huge sock collection." Alice left.

Inside, Bella was laughing manically. The perfect time to get Emmet's underpants! She could hear Esme upstairs singing 'Do It Like A Dude'. Bella almost laughed, but then she remembered when Esme totally owned Edward in Twilight. Only, they cut that part out of the book, because he didn't seem manly enough in it. She didn't care. It happened.

She skipped upstairs, happier than a bee. Once she had Emmet's underpants, her life would be complete. She gently pulled the draw open when- Woosh! Edward again.

"Sorry Bella, I don't think Emmet would like that." Bella turned on her heel to face him, her neck put under pressure as she looked almost directly up.

"Edward. You are so pushy. All I wanted was some underpants. I am so offended that I'm leaving you." Then Bella walked off.

"No Bella, don't leave me! I'm sorry! You can have my underpants!" At the last part, Bella turned. Edwards underpants? That was tempting.

"Fine! But if I nearly die, as my vampire boyfriend it's your duty to save me! I have really bad luck!" Then Bella climbed up the chimney.

"Wth Bella?" Emmet said as he arrived home from truck land where he had spent the day walking around nodding at trucks. His favourite one was pink. Not that he'd tell Edward that. Oh shit, he just told Edward that.

"Haha, pink!" Cried Edward from upstairs. Bella made a confused face before jumping off the roof. As she fell she screamed "Unlucky me Edward! Stupid feet climbing up the stupid chimney then jumping off the stupid roof. There's no way that was my fault."

Edward smiled before catching her. "I think that roof was very rude. I'm gonna go kill it." He then went upstairs and jumped on the roof.

-We don't know what happened in the next scene as the author removed it after deeming Edward 'Not manly enough' in it. Lets just say Esme was involved.-

Bella smiled as she watched Carlisle walk into the house. She wondered what she saw in Edward. Just outside there was a hugely magnificent being, that she had totally ignored. Hadn't she stood only a few feet away from that beauty? How could she have not noticed? It was so stunningly attractive. She couldn't stand it anymore. Bella stood and walked outside, fully intending to shout her attraction to the heavens. Carlisle looked intensely scared when he saw her expression.

As she approached she wondered, briefly, what Edward would think. He'd just have to deal with it. She stopped an arm's length away from her target and reached out. "I love you." She whispered.

Her hand connected, but the soft bark did not reply. She glared at the large oak tree in frustration. "I love you." She repeated, louder.

"Oh my god already, I love you!" She shouted this time, angry and frustrated. A cold hand grasped her wrist. "Bella, the tree won't reply." Edward again.

"Honestly Edward! Stop stopping me! Do I get no free will?" Then Bella stabbed Edward with the secret vampire-killing scissors that she had owned for a while, just in case she got bored of him.

The other members of the Cullen family cheered and Bella became a hero of vampire kind, hailed as the bringer of boredom death… Or something similar that sounded a little better.

The End.

Epilogue.

"Oh Bella, bringer of the death of boring man… I give you my underpants in the humblest of appeasements." Said vampire number 426 as he bowed down to his highness. She grinned before sniffing the underpants and then slapping him. Every now and then she'd wonder what would've happened had she not killed the killjoy. Maybe she'd have been abandoned and then nearly killed and then made pregnant, and then nearly killed again, and then turned into a vampire, and then nearly killed again. Naaah, she thought. Way too complicated a plot line.

So Bella sat, eating prunes, slapping vampires, sniffing underpants and occasionally throwing peanuts at Esme. Who she kept in a cage.


	2. The Invisible Wall

Bella's Confused Face and the Invisible Wall

Bella sighed happily as she dreamed of how sparkly and beautiful Edward was, and how he loved her more than anything. Even his Volvo, he said. Even his Volvo.

Suddenly a cold presence could be felt next to her, and she immediately rolled on top of it, feeling like this was the best way to say hello to her boyfriend. She was just reaching up to unbutton his shirt when she opened her eyes…

"Jacob!" Bella screeched in alarm.

"Hi, Bella." He replied easily, despite the fact that he was dressed in an all over ice pack suit. Bella opened her mouth, but found that only strange gasping noises would come out.

"Are you drowning? You look like you're drowning. You can't drown in the air. Or float according to Billy. You know what he's like though, so I still think it could be true. Technically, I can walk on water. All I need is a little… Bella? Are you listening?" Bella was now rolling on the floor, having forgotten why she was unable to speak she now thought she was having some sort of fit. Or drowning.

"I go to all this effort of wearing 18 icepacks duck taped to my clothes, then just when you roll onto me and I think we're getting somewhere…Bam! You start rolling on the floor having a fit and being rude. You're so rude. I hate you now Bella. I think I'm going to go make babies with Leah." And with that, Jacob ran off.

For a fraction of a second, Bella frowned, before realising that, actually, she never really cared about Jacob at all and he quite annoyed her. (AN: Jacob fans, don't leave here. Bella will live to regret this… Sort of)

Then Bella skipped off to find her sparkly boyfriend. He was in the kitchen making out with Jasper. Bella stopped. She walked backwards out of the room. She walked forwards back into the room.

Edward and Jasper were still making out.

"Wtf guys? Why? Why would you do this to me?" She wailed. Jasper turned around quickly, but was unable to make eye contact, as Edward continued to unbutton his shirt.

"Mmm mmmt mmm mt mmm mmmmm." He said through Edwards lips. Bella wailed again.

"Edwaaard!" Then Bella ran all the way upstairs to Edwards room. Life was so unfair! Why was her boyfriend always making out with her best friends husband? It's like everyone's out to get her!

She collapsed onto Edwards bed, inhaling his scent deeply. If she couldn't have Edward she'd have to give up on life, she'd have to… Jake! She didn't need Edward. Jake was there!

With that, Bella rose quickly from the bed, her footing uneven as she ran for the nearest exit. She had to reach Jake before he made babies with Leah! There was no time! Thunk!

Bella slowly peeled her face away from the strange invisible wall she appeared to have run into. It had always confounded her how Edwards room stayed so warm when it was open to the elements.

She examined it carefully. Maybe it was magic. She decided that she would have to run at it to get through. Quickly turning, Bella made her way to the door of the room before spinning on her heel and flying at the open side of the room.

Wham! It happened again! Bella rubbed her now sore face. Oh well, she thought. I better go draw on Alice's walls until she comes and tells me about the magic. As Bella left the room her foot got caught on the carpet and she sailed magnificently to the floor, landing with a resolute thud.

For a moment, she lay still. And then she noticed that the floor next to her was, in fact, a trapdoor. She opened it. Over twenty feet below her she could see a vast pool of burning lava, that spanned over a thousand metres of land. Then she shut the trapdoor.

'That was odd.' Thought Bella. It didn't matter to her, she had… something… to do! She picked herself back up and grabbed a hole punch. Think it's funny to make a hole in my heart Edward? Think it's funny to make me feel like I've been punched in the gut? She'd show him!

With the stealth of a ninja that she had successfully hidden from a vampire family and several million fans, Bella snuck down the stairs and all the way up behind Edward. She leaned close to his ear, a physical weapon in one hand, a mental one in the other.

"Boo!" She roared straight into his ear, before hole punching it, then tickling him with her other hand. Within seconds Bella was on the floor laughing and Edward was just looking bewildered.

There was a moment of silence as Edward slowly reached up to his ear.

"What the hell? There's a hole in my ear! I have an ear piercing!" He screeched at a pitch higher than even that which Alice could reach. Bella cackled loudly. For some reason, that no-one knew, she had managed to hole punch him. They stared at the hole punch.

"Mine!" Shouted Bella at the same time as Edward screamed "Nooooooo!".

They dived, each reaching for the hole punch, the scene in slow motion as Edward continued his high-pitched denial.

She caught it. The hole punch was hers! As soon as she had caught it, Bella lost interest and so she left Edward cradling the hole-punch and wailing whilst holding his ear.

As she climbed up the stairs for the second time that day, Bella met Alice who was methodically pulling her head in and out of the banisters. She didn't ask. Instead she continued to plod, until she reached Carlisle's office.

"Daddy!" She squealed whilst clapping her hands in delight.

Carlisle turned from the picture of a very old person who's face he had had been stroking along the lines of their wrinkles, and made an odd expression.

"Now, Bella. Don't do anything hasty!" He stood and backed away slowly.

Bella was bored, so she walked forwards until he fell out of the window. Then she decided to see if tracing old people's wrinkles in photos was fun.

After eight hours, she decided it was not, and that she needed to pee. So she ran all the way out of the house, into the garden and half way to her house, before realising she'd left her car at the Cullen's. She ran the way back so that she could drive the car the other half of the journey. When she arrived, she realised that she'd run just as far as she'd have to in order to get home anyway. She shrugged.

Bella drove home smiling as she went. And when she finally reached her house she skipped happily towards her toilet, flinging the door open in enthusiasm.

She was just about to enter when- Bam!… another invisible wall.

Bella sat down, cried and then cut up photos of Jaspers face while listening to Emo bands.

The End

AN: I love reviews. Please do. I honestly hope you find these amusing, as it is the point of my existence. I'm gonna leave it a while until I next update as I don't want things to get boring. You should never milk a camel dry. Feel free to message me too!


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